Finding Yourself on the Page

Looking back, I couldn’t ask for a better family than the one I was given. Spending time with people who can all laugh and have fun together is a great feeling, and I know I am incredibly lucky to have had that sense of camaraderie and nurturing upbringing as a child. But as I grew older, there was a mysterious sadness to my personality that was trapped inside of me. It started to emerge when I noticed that I was sadder than other kids my age at school. It made school a difficult place for me. The only time I felt truly accepted was when I was writing.

Even with a loving and joy-filled family, you can’t always control how you feel. I know for a lot of us, how we feel is more determined by our brain function and the chemistry inside us than the life that is around us. We may be surrounded by friends and suddenly feel anxiety, or in company with family and suddenly feel alone. It can be hard to explain what triggers these feelings to people who don’t have the same issues. It can be difficult to explain to your friends and family that the people around us aren’t responsible for these feelings. It’s no one’s fault but rather is a product of a mental health struggle. This can be really isolating and can cause a cycle of being trapped inside yourself without relief. 

It was often difficult to pinpoint where these feelings originated, and I didn’t have the tools to explain that though parts of my life seemed great, it didn’t always feel that way. In all honesty, even I couldn’t understand everything about how I felt and why when I was younger.

I found my ability to express myself through writing. Left alone to express my thoughts on paper, I felt free. When I first started, I wrote just for myself, trying to keep up with my ideas and feelings. The words poured out of me in a way that felt helpful and healing. After the encouragement of several teachers over the years, not only did my writing improve, but it felt like I had a positive outlet. This is where my creativity and sense of identity started to take shape. Sometimes I would even imagine that I could talk to the characters and that I was just recording what they said. Eventually, writing became more than just something I did for fun. I realized that even when I was inventing characters and fantastic plots, I was always, secretly, under the table, writing about parts of myself. 

One ongoing story I wrote I called “The Mysterious Man.” I loved creating my own mysteries from scratch. The recurring story for this piece took place at my elementary school, and it was about a tall man in a black suit that was kidnapping kids, who were never to be seen again. One day, the main character, the 5th-grade narrator of the story, was kidnapped and taken to a warehouse, but when it came time for me to write about how the mysterious man was revealed, I’d always get writer’s block. I was never able to identify him in my writings because I couldn’t settle on an ending that felt right. 

Looking back, I wonder if my subconscious was actually writing about my birth father. My birth dad was always a mystery I couldn’t solve. In many ways, that mystery was more about where I came from and the person I was growing to be. 

Writing gave me the opportunity to explore and understand my adoption—before I could explain the feelings to others or even to myself. I still use writing to explore and identify my emotions. Expression is a powerful tool for understanding yourself. Without writing, I wouldn’t know myself as well as I do or be who I am.

Let’s Get Writing

If you’re intimidated to get started, don’t worry. Writing for yourself means you do not need to be technically trained; it’s alright if you misspell a few words. Your rough drafts should be that: rough! If you can’t get your poems to flow or have trouble forming a character, that’s fine. Give yourself the space to look inward. 

Try starting out with what you know, like a diary entry or even a rant. Your initial draft may also just be a list of how you’re feeling or an outline of what’s going on in your life. Using experiences or stories that you are familiar with can evolve into new worlds. 

It might also help to start reading authors and writers that speak about topics you’re interested in exploring. It can honestly be as easy as a simple Google search. Not only can they give you creative inspiration, but their writing can make you feel seen and heard. One of my favorite writers is Atticus, and their piece The Dark Between Stars continues to give me inspiration.

Why don’t you try it out yourself? Get started with some prompts.

• One feeling that I’ve felt coming up a lot recently is…
• Where is your mind going when you wander?
• If your grief were an image, what would it be?

You can learn more and sign up for Hopeward Healing’s Poetry Workshops here.