Self Harm & Getting Help

Trigger warning: self-harm, suicidal ideation, depression, anxiety

A note to readers: The National Library of Medicine notes that “suicidal ideations,” often called suicidal thoughts or ideas, is a broad term used to describe a range of contemplations, wishes, plans, and preoccupations with death and suicide. Passive suicidal thoughts occur when an individual no longer has the motivation to live, but does not have a plan to take their life. Passive suicidal thoughts may sound like “I just wish I could go to sleep and not wake up” or “I wish that the world just ended tomorrow.” Active suicidal thoughts differ from passive in that not only does the person no longer have the motivation to live, but they have a plan to end their life. Active suicidal ideations sound like “It would be so easy to end my life by ___.” Both should be taken seriously. If you or someone you know is showing signs of suicide, please seek help with a loved one, medial professional, or one of the organizations listed below.

My first exposure to self-harm was on social media. Already struggling with mental illness, I decided to make a secret account on Instagram where I posted anonymous quotes about depression and anxiety that resonated with me. Other accounts that posted similar content would follow me, and we would direct message back and forth. These strangers understood me. These interactions with strangers online might be considered weird, but they made me feel less alone. I now had a safety net and a place to share my suicidal ideation without having to fear being sent away. They became my secret friends.

I was scrolling through quotes, I saw a post that was different from any I’d ever seen. Someone had taken a very gory picture of their thigh cut open, with the bloody blade resting on their leg above the gash. At first, I was freaked out, but after a minute I was still staring. Everyone I talked to on that account said self harm made them feel better. I was ready to try anything to make myself feel better. I was desperate.

First, I just started scratching myself, but one spring afternoon, my mom left a screwdriver on the bathroom counter. I remember seeing the screwdriver and feeling so drawn to this inanimate object. I looked out the window to make sure my mom was still outside and that I was alone. Unthinkingly, I reached for this dull, gray object that felt so compelling and dragged it along my skin. It wasn’t sharp, but it left a scratch mark. That was the first time I ever used something to hurt myself. That moment gave me such a rush of adrenaline that I knew I had to try it again. This is how my suicidal ideation and self-harm urges began to spiral.

Eventually, I received the help that I needed and better understand my unhealthy impulses. I still have a complicated relationship with social media and its impact on mental health. On one hand, it can provide a space for community. Talking with other people who had or still experienced similar struggles made me feel less isolated. Many connections I’ve made via social media have helped me understand that while our struggles are different, we don’t have to handle them alone. On the other hand, social media can be a traumatizing space. We need to encourage the use of content such as trigger warnings to help people avoid content that could hurt them.

One step I’ve taken to avoid these triggers is to unfollow and block accounts that post content that’s harmful to my mental health. Curating your own algorithm won’t ensure you never see a triggering post, but it can help put more positive content in your feed. You can curate your feed by interacting–liking, sharing, commenting–on posts that are positive for your mental health. Unfollowing and utilizing the “show less of this” function on negative or triggering posts can teach the algorithm to exclude those from your feed. If you need to take a break entirely from social media, log off for a while. Give yourself the space you need to heal.

If you’re struggling with the same thoughts I was, don’t be afraid to ask for and accept help. It can feel shameful to admit you’ve hurt yourself, but it’s the first step to getting better. There’s numerous resources you can contact, including hotlines and organizations that are dedicated to help people who self-harm. If you’re already in sessions with a therapist, it’s important to bring this to their attention, even if you’ve only had the idea. Reach out to a healthcare professional, to a trusted loved one, to an organization: you don’t need to handle this alone.

U.S. Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: https://988lifeline.org/

National Institute of Mental Health: https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/suicide-prevention

SAMHSA’s National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)