What Comes After Happily Ever After?

Christmas has always been a special holiday for my family. Throughout the years, my husband Jeff and I embraced several special traditions, which evolved as we had children of our own. From good food and heartfelt movies to having a family friend dress up as Santa and deliver small presents as a preview of what would be coming down the chimney later. 

Inside Santa’s bag of goodies one year, there was also a special gift for me. I unwrapped Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, which had just been released for the first time on VHS (home video). As one of my favorite fairytales, I was instantly impressed with Jeff’s thoughtful gift. However, this was no ordinary copy. On the outside was a sticky note, where Jeff had written the words, “Everyone knows how the story ends…” Poking out from the top of the video case was a red curly ribbon. Curious as to what was meant by the sticky note, I pulled the case open to reveal the videotape with yet another sticky note on top. This sticky note was inscribed with the words, “We live happily ever after…” followed by an arrow pointing to the other side of the case. On the other side and hanging from the ribbon was the most beautiful diamond ring. With my entire family standing around me, and my twin sister, Marcia, waiting in the wings with champagne, Jeff proposed. 

Moments like this can make it easy to hope our stories follow a magical plot line. Sure, we expect some trouble along the way, maybe a few poison apples, but in the end there is a happily ever after. We want our own versions of the prince, the palace, and even true love. It’s important to believe in fairytales, but it’s unrealistic to tailor our lives after one of those characters.

There is not a fairytale I have come across that tells you what to do after your husband unexpectedly passes. But that does not mean the story ends. 

It can be hard to figure out what to do with your life after tragedy and when you’re dealing with grief; everyday things no longer make sense. It can be difficult to find direction when grieving, sometimes even being unsure how you are supposed to feel. There isn’t a script for how to deal with grief. It’s difficult and messy, and that is okay. 

Each person’s healing journey is unique, and relying on that happily ever after – or accepting and letting it go – looks different for all of us. I began my healing journey relying on the support from my pastor and friends before finding a grief counselor a year after his passing. Looking back now, I wish I would have sought professional help sooner. I ached for a community–to talk to or find someone who could possibly understand. Finding a therapist and/or a local support group can help make these connections.

As people around me were returning to their lives, I was facing the fact that my children and I could never return to the life we once knew. During that time, I was introduced to Amy Florian. We met up and discussed our separate experiences with grief, then I read her book, A Friend Indeed: Help Those You Love When They Grieve. Her book helped me to understand the difficulty others were having knowing what to say and how to relate to me.

If you’re not ready to connect in person, reading about or listening to other people’s journeys can help you feel less alone in your grief. Podcasts such as Nora McInerny’s Terrible, Thanks for Asking and books, such as Joan Didion’s The Year of Magical Thinking, provide listeners and readers with stories tackling tough topics around loss. 

Everyone’s grief can look different, and I threw myself into finding ways to honor my husband. I established a memorial scholarship and a golf outing in his honor. Knowing that Jeff’s memory will live on through causes that were special to him helped me process my grief.  

My life has contained a multitude of fairytale moments; I married my Prince Charming and enjoyed raising my own Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy and Bashful (and sure, sometimes Grumpy and Dopey). Unlike Snow, my movie kept playing even after I was whisked away to the castle – there were more dragons to slay even after the credits rolled. One reason Jeff’s passing was so tragic was because it felt like we had achieved our happily ever after and it had been ripped away without reason. 

As the hero of your own story, you are allowed to not be okay and to navigate loss in a way that is most beneficial to helping you heal. Whatever you do, do not be afraid to feel your grief. As Queen Elizabeth II said during an address following the September 11th attacks, “grief is the price we pay for the love.”